My Kind of a Girl

I never felt that I was missing something in life until I realised that i am still single. So if you would ask me whether i would be ready to mingle; the answer would be a loud NO. I find it really hard to handle myself (No pun intended in this line)and i do not want to think about settling down now . There should be only one chatterbox in the family and i strongly believe that it should be me. So should i find a dumb girl? I guess this has nothing to do with my latest attracton towards blondes.Sharapova, Kournikova,Ivanovic; Are you girls listening?
I wanted to marry Sania Mirza, because if she had become my wife, i could accompany her to the grandslams and sit in the crowd and start a conversation with a pretty girl in the crowd. But things did not go as planned and Sania got engaged. I was still ready to accept her. But when she was blanked in the US open second round 6-0,6-0 by Flavia Pennetta, i changed my mind. I dont wanna marry Sania anymore.
It is really hard to find a silent, calm girl. So the probability of me finding a calm girl is nearly nil. Hence I am finding alternate methods to adjust my life, if I end up with a chatter box as my wife. This is the kind of car I would buy. I would make it sure that my wife never gets to drive the car.
Do I have any other options? Should I marry a call girl? err... I meant a call centre girl/ telemarketing girl. I have got a very poor rapport with telemarketing girls. Being working in the IT Industry, i used to receive regular phone calls from telemarketing girls. I didn't have a clue how they used to get my phone number. I would at least get two calls every week. I soon found a way to deal with them. I am gonna write about three conversation-incidents I had with telemarketing girls (TMG).
1) The caring girl

Me: Hello! Who is this? ( I did not know that it was a call from a telemarketer)
TMG: Hello Sir! How are you today? (I hear a girl's voice. My eyes go big)
Me: I am fine. Can I know who this is? ( In my best tone)
TMG: Sir I am calling from ABC company. Is it a right time to speak to you? (My eyes go small now and I have had more than enough from telemarketers. So I think of playing along)
Me: Yes! This is the perfect timing to talk with someone. I wanted to talk with someone. You know onething; No one cares for me these days. I am glad that you called.
TMG: But sir! I called to inform you that...
Me: What is your name?
TMG: Oh sorry sir. My name is Suneeta
Me: Wow. that is a lovely name. I had a classmate. Her name was Suneeta too. She is dumb. Hope you are not like her.
TMG: Sir I called to inform you that we have an offer
Me: An offer? Wow! You are so sweet. How thoughtful of you. Is it a free flight ticket to Australia?
TMG: Excuse me sir. But i called to inform you
Me: Hey Suneeta. I need to go and pee now. Why don't you give me your mobile number? I would give you a missed call tonight. We can talk freely. I would pour my heart out to my new friend
Bang...

That was last time I ever received a call from Suneeta.

2) Airtel Customer Care girl

Back then,I had a hutch phone connection. So i used to get calls from Airtel customer care girls on a regular basis. At first, it was fun to receive calls from them. But when it became an habit, the calls became an headache. One day a girl named Binita called me and tried to get me to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan.When I replied in a husky voice, "I don't have any friends. would you be my friend?" she hung up.

3) Shilpa
Once I got a call from a telemarketer and she sounded like one of my friend Shilpa. I kept on insisting her that she was indeed Shilpa. I asked to stop playing a joke too. "Come on Shilpa, cut it out! I found you, How is your hubby? Why didn't you name your son, Neo?". The caller hung up. Now i think it was really Shilpa at the other end.
My tryst with call centre girls has yielded negative results so far and hence I decided to call my friend Jenson to give me gyaan about girls. Jenson was my college mate and he is like the Will Smith of Hitch. He recently got married. I rang him up.
"Hey Neo buddy. How with you? Long time bro".
" Yes Jenson! How is married life?"
" It was good in the beginning. Now its boring?"
" Why? You were very good with girls and you ditched every girl in college. Now your folks found a cute girl for you. Why is it boring?"
"Marriage is like a bodyspray bro. It is fresh and nice in the beginning. But very soon the scent mixes with your sweat and combined effect is bad."
" So should i go for an arranged marriage or should i go for love marriage?"
" Well! Let me tell you something. Marriage is like a river. The bridegroom is a creature who doesnt know swimming. Arranged marriage is an art in which the bridegroom is pushed into the river by his folks. Love marriage is the art of committing suicide in which the groom takes the plunge all by himself"
"That is sad. I am scared of getting married now"
" Well. Let me tell you some thing more about life. Life has only two paths.1) Career and 2) Love. Career is nothing but building your career. Love is nothing but building your love"
"Err. How many pegs down?"
" Now pouring my 7th peg bro. Lemme tell you about two more things about life"
" I'll call you laterz bro"
Moral: Never ask advice from a drunk friefnd.

choose your colours and paint the rainbow

Sometimes things are so impossibly beautiful that it gets difficult to accept them. Today is one such day. Perfect.

Fluffy clouds intermittently hide a blue sky, letting the sun play peek-a-boo. I get up and survey the mess in the house. Without a maid, it's getting difficult to maintain a squeaky clean home. Last night’s dinner mats are still lying on the dining table. The kitchen sink is half full of dirty dishes. The sunlight is passing through the green beaded curtain and each bead is looking like a jewel.

I get down to clearing the mess and cooking some food. And as any manic Monday requires I am rushing through breakfast, grabbing my keys on my bike for a long drive to work. Driving to work is a tricky thing now. While some days I make it comfortably and walk in smiling at everyone, there are days when the tall glasses of water and juices I have in the mornings catch up with me. I pray for traffic to disappear and my bladder to hold. But on an over-one-hour drive, prayers need miracles too.

The now familiar roads allow the luxury of observation. The fiery gulmohurs along a stretch, the rows of streetlights aligned neatly when I drive on the extreme right. A little change in the road position and the alignment changes! And then the weather, oh, so beautiful! I love it that every day is different. I long to go with the changes... why should I be doing the same thing when everything else changes, when seasons too change...?

Shouldn't I have filled up my life when I am ready to exit this world? Forget the bladder, the backpain is getting serious. I need to take care of it, heal it once and for all. Or maybe I should just try and do other things and have the backpain disappear on its own. That's what happened the last time.

For now, the pleasure is in this gorgeous day and towards different planes ahead.

Solution to hairfall marriage !!

“Tensile strength should be divided with or multiplied with Young’s modulus-- keeping elasticity as variable ....Hmmm .., You are too late for physics.!!! ?!?!” – This is what my mind was thinking when Chaoudhari Aunty was sitting on the couch at my home. I was trying to calculate the time required by her to rupture the poor sofa apart. By the way, people who do not know Chaoudhari Aunty – she is 56-54-56. I guess this description is ‘big’ enough.:)

My friend Vineet was there at my place too. So, as the conversation struck, Vineet consulted – “Auntyji, baal kaafi gir rahe hain aajkal. Koi upaay batao?”

“Beta,jaldi shaadi karlo warna problem ho jayegi. Abb toh halwaai ki kadhai chadwao aur shehnaai bajwaa do beta” – replied Auntyji !...."What the hell is happening – For all the bachelors – they have a common solution for all their problems" - Vipin mumbled to me. But as I think now, I found this answer quite relevant in what I see in my daily life.

Weekdays : 7AM - I am standing on the bus stop for the office bus to come, listening to the sweetest girl on the planet – RJ **** on radio-one. And I see lot of young girls, jogging and doing brisk morning walk. All these r in 24-25 age group. The other category is of 50+ age oldies. The oldies I can understand are greasing and oiling their crank shafts. The young girls - Perhaps sitting on marriage time bomb so wanna be perfect before the D-day. But very less people in age group of 30-40!! My point is that after marriage, many of us don’t feel the need to be ‘visually lookable’ anymore – Baal gir rahe hain then what – i don’t need them anymore. They have already solved their purpose by getting me my wifey!!!

Future FLASH : Year 2035 – I m driving my Black Honda Accord - lost in thoughts , listening to a powerful, deeply-meaningful , soul-stirring song ...”Tak.tana.nana...Tandoori nights... Tandoori nights.... Tandoori nights...” :) ... Suddenly I m surrounded by Police cars all around me. Officer on the siren is shouting – “This is FIA (Fitness Investigative Agency) - get out of the car now. Put your hands on your head. You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent”. I came out of the car, with my shivering voice i asked– “What I have done officer?”... Officer Smith-“You have been charged for developing that XXXL sized bean bag on your tummy.” ... Suddenly my face lits up with a wicked smile ...I burst with laughter - “Haha...hahha... I got you officer Smith ...I got'ya”.... And I point my fingers towards my car ...The side mirror slides down and the camera zooms onto my WIFE sitting inside the car ...“You see officer Smith, do u see that – I m married. I don’t need to be slim anymore. And also, i m loosing my hair too but I won’t care for them – I’ll be a fat-bald moron. . You see, I have got the license for it. Do you have a problem with that? DO YOU ??"

[Saamaaj mein faili ek kureeti ko mitaane ke liye , meri ek chhoti se pehel :-) ]

The lost world...

sorry guys for being lost for almost a year....new job and lots of assignments make u feel like a poor father with a pale grey complexion who used to say "jawan beti ki shaadi ki chinta......blabalabla..." . So i couldn't post a single blog.So wish me a good luck to start with new flavour..